May 22, 2022
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Site revisited....
Wow. 9 years since my last post. A lifetime ago. Much has changed, much has stayed the same. Friends have come and gone. Classmates have died, drifted away, gotten closer. Kids have grown up and found paths of their own. One divorced and engaged, one married with a two year old, one that (finally) has a steady... all have careers and are quite successful...which makes my life complete....all I ever dreamed of, from the first time I found out I was going to be a Dad, was that my kids would turn out to be good people, successful, accomplished, and have good values...and they do. Life is good. I re-read some of my old Xanga and LiveJournal entries from 18 years ago...life was such a struggle then...how did I ever make it through? As I look back and remember, I see the daily challenges I faced... the hurdles to overcome...and I somehow managed... and kept my sanity and optimism. That in itself was a miracle, considering what I was up against. No way I'd have the stamina to do it again... I used to get so much accomplished in a single day...of course I was nearly 20 years younger too... my life is so much easier than it was back then...and I am grateful. I think as I enter this new era of life, I will start posting again...writing was always theraputic for me, and after reading journal entries from all those years ago, that has been re-impressed on my mind. In many ways, life is still the same, in many ways, completely different. I never did "find anyone" to replace my wife, and it appears at this stage of the game, I won't. I have adapted to being on my own, and frankly, cherish it. I can't imagine having to share my life with someone now, not being my own boss, not being in control of my time, resources, energy, commitment, etc. I do still love my ex. Always have, always will. Just cannot stand to be around her a whole lot. Her pessimistic, negative attitude has always been caustic for me. I used to endure it; I don't have to and don't want to anymore. I can take her in small doses. But she frustrates me in the way she treats the kids, and their children too. I am looking forward to retirement, planning an exit strategy, and of course, not enough money to do the things I wanted to...but that is nothing new. There were a few years when income was really good, and I could do pretty much whatever I wanted...I will cherish those times, although they are past. I realize now that there are many things I wanted to do that I will never get done, and I am OK with that. It is OK to still have dreams, even though you realize they will never materialize. Cars won't get restored, houses won't get built, even machine sheds may not get erected. That's OK. The day to day is worth living, come what may. A beautiful sunrise or sunset, an eclipse, hearing a favorite song or encountering a delicious fragrance...that's what holds a great deal of meaning for me these days...thinking of new friends I am making, of old friends that have drifted away, and even older friends who are still there, day in and day out... some I've lost... some still around...many fighting far bigger battles than I do... well, enough for now...
